Actually it’s more of a welcome interruption, I could tell the engines weren’t running as smoothly as they could be. Lots of power interruptions, wasted cycles, and general confusion. But the brain is good at making anything seem normal after a while, so wasn’t everything just normal?

Well maybe not.

Today I was exploring why I didn’t get along with a colleague of mine and why it was I just didn’t have any patience for him. Was it that I was just feeling tired and low on creative energy and so was just being protective of it because I didn’t want interacting with him to use it all up?

Maybe.

But why was I afraid to use it all up? Why did I think, I of ultimate power in the universe was so power limited? Maybe to have a good excuse for why I wasn’t out changing the world more and faster and better! (‘I’m tired’ and ‘I don’t feel good’ are great get-out-of-jail free cards). So then I started to look at that. Why do I think I *have* to change the world? Why do I always feel so guilty that I haven’t done more?

Well, I guess it is an underlying world view that I have had for a long time (read a very OLD habit). It is as dear to me and as comfortable and as close as anything could be in my identity/ego. But as I looked at it, I could see, it was true it was suffocating me.

I could see that most of my life was spent trying to fix myself (gotta be perfect, gotta be perfect), trying to fix others (what is wrong with that guy anyway? how long till he gets removed from the team so I don’t have to deal with him?) and trying to fix society (I even gave an exceptional speech at TEDxNASA about how we could start too).

I instantly started to laugh. I spend so much of my day dealing with my own failings, dealing with other people’s failings and trying desperately to keep humanity’s failings from either derailing the space program or heaven forbid- following us out into space! It seemed to be all I ever did! Fight against the failings of myself, fight against the failings of others, and fight against the failings of humanity. No wonder I was so tired!

Luckily, I remembered a lesson from one of my favorite teachers, Gene Roddenberry. An episode of Star Trek where Kirk is divided in two – the good Kirk and the bad Kirk- and you think the whole time “hey, that wouldn’t be so bad, split myself in two and then jettison the bad and keep only the good!” but as the episode unwinds it becomes obvious that the good Kirk alone is missing something, he can’t make decisions or give orders and is feeling weak. Finally the crew realizes that both Kirks are dying— that they need each other to live. They miraculously fix the transporter room just in time and ‘beam’ the two Kirks back into one. The old commanding, decisive Kirk is back and when Spock asks him how to explain where the bad Kirk went to the crew, he says, “tell them that the intruder is back where he belongs and to leave it at that.”

I realized that what if I stopped fighting all the ‘bad’ inside me, and stopped worrying so much about all the ‘bad’ in others (even the guy on my team) and even stopped worrying about the ‘bad’ in humanity escaping out to the stars, or worse yet not letting us get there. It seemed strange to stop. What would I do all day? What would become of us???

I realized that in the past I had encouraged people not to fight each other but to fight entropy, after all entropy is the REAL enemy of us all right? Suddenly even that was called into question. Death is entropy and death is critical to a biosphere’s function. It is part of the design. Without it the system would not work, just like without the bad Kirk, Kirk did not work. Maybe I don’t even need to fight entropy. I started to wonder if maybe it was time to have my life be about something other than fighting.

I pondered that one as I watched strange enormous snow flakes begin to fall out my window. What would I do all day? What does the Dalai Lama do all day? I guess just be with everything as it was happening. Be compassionate, be accepting, be peaceful. It seemed a strange concept. What would I judge my self-worth on? What if people thought I was lazy? But I realized those where just thoughts of someone who was always fighting.

I began to realize that I had no idea what that life would look like and even more strangely that it was ok not to know. I am an explorer right? What better place for me then somewhere off the map… Somewhere new to explore.

What could I create or have my life be about if I wasn’t fighting? What inspires me?

What I do know is I love the beauty of snow falling, I love the sublime feeling of being connected with another person, I love the joy of exploring the unknown, and I have a lot of respect for the Dalai Lama.

It was not my first time seeing a launch. I had driven 14 hours straight with a few carloads of friends from JSC back in the 90′s for my first and I am still moved by the jaw dropping, tear bursting impact it had on me. We were around our cars on the causeway in the heat and when the countdown hit zero we saw the flash of light and the shuttle gracefully clear the tower and begin its ascent into the heavens on a plume of smoke and thousands of human’s combined effort. By the time the sound waves blasted past us three seconds later, I was already in tears, leveled by the extraordinary beauty of what we as a species are capable of.

Working in the Astronaut office I also knew that the crew would not be able to stop and be moved by what was happening. They have simulated this a thousand times and their job was not to make this any different. I felt an extra pang of intensity as if I had to feel enough for all of them-– an emotional surrogate (just like in my favorite Twilight Zone episode).

Coming back to KSC I was worried if this launch would compare to that chest shaking, mind blowing experience. I went to one of the pre-launch parties and caught up with some of my space friends and met a few new ones. We talked about where we would view from and the latest happenings in the space world. Garrett told us he would be working the launch, helping the crew suit up. I quickly told them that one of the last things at NASA that I was really nostalgic to do, was to see the crew walk out, wave to the media one last time and climb into their astrovan. Jenny Scheer quickly offered to take me there and suddenly the game was on.

The next night after a short disco nap, we got up at near midnight to head out to KSC. I met up with Jen and she wisked me away in her jeep outfitted with a wi-fi extender, super-camera, laptop, 3 A/C power outlets, an iPhone and a full wardrobe of Land’s End Space Tweep Society embroidered gear. We made our way over to the out of the way building where the crew suit up for launch. There was a line up of media at the barrier, but surprisingly few people beyond them. We ran into Robert Pearlman of CollectSPACE and he updated us on what was happening from his prime barrier-side perch.

After waiting in the cold-for-Florida air, we saw Garrett and his colleagues emerge to pre-load the astrovan with the crew’s helmets. We went wild. “Garrett!!!!” I screamed, knowing that professionalism would dictate he pretend not to hear. That was all I needed. I felt connected to the mission. Someone I knew was there. Making it happen. I could experience it through him. With NASA TV on Pearlman’s laptop indicating the crew was coming next, he waved me to crouch under his tripod at the barrier to get a better view. Everybody loves to give a first timer a good experience. I think it is for the same reason. They can feel the thrill of the first time through me, just the same way I can feel connected with the mission through Garrett. I gratefully accepted and pressed up against the plastic holes in the barrier to get my camera lens through.

Then they rounded the corner, in orange suits and big smiles, willing to share their fortune and grace with those interested enough to see them off. I was excited for them (and their one rookie!) about to blast off into space to bring the space station its crowning jewel of windows– the cupola. They boarded the iconic silver airstream and headed off to the pad to start working.

After notching my belt, we jumped back into the jeep and drove out to see where the old beenie cap (that usually sits atop the orange tank until just before liftoff) and the old crew entry gantry from the de-commissioned shuttle pad were resting out in a field. It was staggering to wander around them, the pitch black cut only by the jeep’s high beams. It was the kind of darkness that is rarely found in cities but is always accompanied by a rich reward of twinkling stars and even a planet or two that the iPhone was happy to identify for us.

We headed back to the VAB to rejoin the masses of people assembling for the 4 am Shuttle launch…

Safety back in my viewing area, I found my husband and told him of our adventures. Alongside everyone else, we sweated out the ‘go’/'no go’ calls at T-minus 9 minutes. After a disappointing scrub the first night, we were ecstatic to hear everyone give their ‘go’ for flight. Eyes adjusted to the night sky, we stared at the pad and counted down with the announcer, 3…2…1! An explosion of light again, this time much more brilliant against the dark sky and as the shuttle climbed up into the clouds the glow of the engines threw off a huge halo of beautiful blue sky in its wake. The sound wave reverberated off the buildings and still brought a tear to my eye, humanity was once again slipping the surly bonds of Earth. And we were now being written into the same history books that recorded those final momentous Saturn V launches back before I was born. This would be our legacy to pass to our kids. Yes, we were there. Yes, it was a stunning thing to behold…My dearest hope is that they have even more awe inspiring technologies to enable our space future than we do. Either way, this is a moment in time, like Kitty Hawk, that is remarkable just for its audacity to say, “we can.”

In the darkness you could follow the glow of the engines even minutes after launch. We all stood in respectful silence, our thoughts and attention focused on the crew and what it was like to be on the other end of that thousand mile plume. There was a collective sigh of relief and joy when we heard the call for “MECO.”

I was proud. Of my species, of the men and women who collectively can make something that complex work, of an industry that holds open the potential of space for our planet. I am grateful that I have the privilege of being a part of that and of knowing the people who make it all happen. A special thank you to all of them. It is through you that I get to connect into one of the most amazing collective experiences we have. And that is what struck me most about this trip. A lesson I had first learned when wandering the streets of Greece alone in college. That it is not just where you are, it’s who you are with.

I realized that even if you are taking the smallest next action on something, it goes from being a someday, maybe in-the-future project, to something you have started! As the famous saying goes, “Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!” (I remember reading that on the wall in my mom’s office at the St. Rose rectory in high school).

I went home and the next morning, I got on Facebook and took the 20 minutes to make the group, I even opened and read through the outline for my book that I hadn’t looked at in over a year. Not only was I relieved to be doing things I had meant to for over a year, but I was also very excited, for what was possible, what I was capable of, who I am. It super-charged my day. We got all our Yuri’s Night LED bouncy balls, LED lapel pins and 10th annual stickers ordered, set up an e-introduction to a space workforce guru I have been wanted to meet for years, and starting talking about some exciting collaborations for promoting science with kids nationwide.

The next day I flew to Miami for annual flight attendant refresher training for Zero Gravity Corp. I was working in my hotel room, planning to go to bed early when I found out that another friend Brad Cheetham was going to be on SpaceVidCast at 10:00 pm to be interviewed about www.WeWantOurFuture.org. Watching it I got really inspired and energized about the cool things that my friends are up to. Too excited to go to bed I went down to the lobby to meet up with Tim Bailey and Stevie Steiner.

Stevie was regaling us with the latest stories of his company (that he does on the side of his PhD) buyaerogels.com. I was inspired by his passion and energy but most of all by the potential of game changing material science (and Yuri’s Night logo aerogels!!). The potential future there extends beyond where my imagination can see and I am excited to get to be around that and possibly even contribute to making it happen!

I finally went to bed at 2 a.m. reflecting on a thought I have been having a lot this week– that over the last 20 years I have carefully, concertedly built a world around me filled with amazing, uplifting, supportive people and that, that has made all the difference.

Lewicki in his infinite wisdom though, also recently sent me this quote— just to keep my new found gains in perspective:

Productivity

Getting things done is not the same as making things happen.

You can…
…reply to email.
…pay the bills.
…cross off to-do’s.
…fulfill your obligation.
…repeat what you heard.
…go with the flow.
…anticipate roadblocks.
…aim for “good enough.”

Or you can…
…organize a community.
…take a risk.
…set ambitious goals.
…give more than you take.
…change perceptions.
…forge a new path.
…create possibility.
…demand excellence.

Don’t worry too much about getting things done. Make things happen.

by Gina Trapani

It reminded me of who I am. What I am here for. What really motivates me, that I am not just an email processing machine. All of these tools are only as useful as what they enable me to Make Happen.

So I am back. Ready to swing for the fences for Yuri’s Night again, ready to demand of myself, ready to take on a more demanding schedule, ready to create the possibility of being someone who touches the lives of others and moves mountains. Because we have a big future in space to enable and it’s going to take that.

What risks have you been avoiding? How could you make the biggest difference where you are? What is just a little beyond your comfort zone? If you need help, just ask. That is what I am here for. My job is to enable all of you to Make Things Happen.

Email loretta.whitesides@gmail.com and start forging a new trajectory today…

I don’t mean getting stodgy or conservative or saying things like, “because we have always done it that way” but I mean giving up some of the tactics that I honed at a young age to survive the wilds of Junior High that might not be so appropriate anymore.  You see in Junior High I was picked on mercilessly by some of the guys (who my teachers assured me were only doing it because they were threatened by me- fat lot of consolation that was when I would go home crying every day). My survival strategy became to be as cool as possible. Luckily I had an older sister who through osmosis I could learn from and start to take on the ways of the cool rebel kids. I shaved the sides and back of my hair, wore dark lipstick and high top skater shoes.

It has served me well over the years. Although I took all honors and AP classes in high school, I escaped nerdom, played sports, and once I hit 9th grade never got picked on again. In college, I had fun, did what I wanted and took on my career fearlessly. I was not usually intimidated by a room full of senior engineers once I got to NASA because, hey, they were not nearly as cool as me. Heck I even created a whole space holiday around being cool.

I forgot that I had made it all up. I started to think that I was just born cool.

But recently I have begun to see the toll having to be cooler than everyone is taking. I noticed that I have had little time for those who weren’t as cool as me and that ends up being exclusionary and hurtful. Ironically probably as hurtful as those boys were to me. I realized that I am cutting out whole groups of people I could learn from and work with. So maybe its time to stop playing that game, maybe I don’t need to be “shields-up” all the time against an attack that was called off 20 years ago. Maybe it’s ok to just be normal, just one among equals, to listen and to make time for everyone- just like my dad does. I mean that would be practicing what I preach. Didn’t I say in my TEDxNASA talk that when we grow up and become a galactic civilization we will get back that connection with everyone and everything that we had when we were kids? Maybe I can do my part for the galaxy by doing my own growing up first and be the change I want to see in the Universe.

I got over the disappointment of 2000, the 2000 I had been waiting for since I was about 8. No flying cars, no exclusively silver wardrobes, no weekend trips to space. But what I took away was a resolve to get everyone excited not just about The Future but about being part of the group of people who are building the future. That is who we are. Never forget that. We are the music makers and the dreamers of dreams. We are the architects of a future for our species that inspires us. We build because we can, because it is our favorite game. It is not a better game than the players of the sports games, or the money game or even the video game. It is merely the one that we find the most fun. (So let’s play!)

So it seems the way to win is not only to build the most outrageous, the most exciting, the most impactful, the most inspiring future, but also to make sure that we are having fun doing it. After all that is why we picked this game- it was more fun for us than race car driving, or organic farming, or brain surgery. So the next time you are discouraged by bureaucracy, or frustrated by people who ‘don’t get it’, or at your wits end with your own seeming lack of progress, remember, we picked this because it was fun and let the challenges and the struggles and the set backs be part of the game, just like you would in Super Mario Brothers, or Zelda, or Guitar Hero. After all if you just went back a level and got the magic sword, you probably could beat the dragon this time…and that would be fun wouldn’t it?

So this 1st week of the new shiny year, think of your life as a video game that you just took out of the package. Play it with vigor, play it with valor and with creativity, but most importantly make sure you are having fun.